In upstate New York, Chichi was in a conundrum as she awaited the answer to one of the many tragedies of life (She is a philosopher, theorist, Aristotle’s apprentice), “When will he reply my iMessage”? She soothed her worries in an obscure café sipping a Frappuccino with sweet nothings floating through her mind. Categorizing the thought of him receiving her message and fainting due to utter and sheer ecstasy as sweet. For she sees no other logical reason as to why he wouldn’t reply.
A man walks in with his ripped jeans as he approaches Chichi squeamishly and asks, “How do I find bae”? Chichi is confused.
Although Chichi has spoken to him quite a few times with the familiarity shared between regular café goers, she never expected him to divulge so much information.
Man: No need for pleasantries, I am here to tell you a story, tell you a story I must. And for the purpose of this tale, I wish to be called Geo.
Chichi: Fair enough. *she shrugs*
Geo: I have been quite unfortunate in love, beginning with Temi and ending with Taylor. I don’t except you to know who these people are dear, as that would ruin the purpose of the tale. An anecdote so vivid, it is destined to make you say “Wawu.” Say it with me “Wawu, wawu, wawu.” Enough with the prelude, it is revelation time. I’ve never understood how people catch feelings over social media (catfish are real my dear friend) that was until I met Temi, a friend of a friend. In my defense, I knew she actually existed and supposedly looked like her picture. I won’t say I had a crush on her, but I did enjoy her attention however short lived. I thought I could arouse her attention by making her wait endlessly for my replies, you know, ranging from hours to weeks. I guess the only thing I aroused was the sap within me as she returned the favor. Needless to say, that did not work out.
I hear girls are into hot guys these days, no?
Chichi: I guess so.
Geo: They are, my dear. But I didn’t believe it until Oyin. The goddess of beauty I happened to reconnect with on Facebook. Though I haven’t spoken to her in five years, I prayed she remember me. Bless the Lord, she did.
Chichi: What is your fixation with meeting people online?
Geo: Shh dear, it is rude to interrupt. Oyin and I got along well. She flirted with me; I liked that. I wanted to claim the coveted position as her boyfriend. So I said to her, “I was thinking, maybe I could take you out sometime.” Her reply was one for the books; I promise. She said, “Why would you think that?” My alpha male ego was crushed, so I told her a simple no thank you would have sufficed. She sees the hurt in my eyes and laughs wholeheartedly saying “Come on, don’t be such a baby, you should be used to rejection by now.” ERRMMAAHHGEERRD, I had been thrown into the bottomless pit of no return, the friend zone, but at least I knew why. I’ve never been the fittest of guys, but that was about to change, I’m never going to be rejected in such a manner again. I start going to the gym.
Chichi: You seem a bit needy.
Geo: Be quiet dear, there is no room for interruptions, remember I have a story that I must tell. As I was saying, at the gym I met Taylor. Taylor wasn’t like all the other pretentious girls at the gym who tried and failed to grab the bicep-flexing, six-pack perfecting testosterone pumping males’ attention. Taylor was a pretentious girl who succeeded in attracting their attention. I wanted to get to know her, but first I had to “suck belle make the shirt fine.” So I walked up to her and said “Hi.” And she replies “No.” I never expected it. I wasn’t ready *Kevin Hart’s voice*; I was left aghast, so I say, “Excuse me”? And as nonchalantly as possible, she laughs and walks away. Fine, I know we have freedom of speech, but that doesn’t mean (as Yagazie Emezi would say) she should go stark naked with her mouth and lose the decency that everybody deserves. She could have added “Thank you.” At least I’d know she appreciated the gesture but just “No.” that’s an insult to my existence.
But life goes on my dear; it stops for no one. I will find bae; the question is how?
I know you are waiting for some profound insight into the topic from the theorist that is Chichi. Hence, she will appease you with her knowledge.
Chichi: I don’t know.
Geo: I believe trying to converse with you is futile. Your lack of insight poisons me.
His answer is abrupt, unexpected and quite frankly, rude. To be fair, it wasn’t much of a conversation as it was a one-man-show. He stares at her in anticipation of a response, however, unless he wanted to hear the cliché “the right one will find you at the right time”, she had no answer to give. They sit in silence as they both ponder, how to find bae?
P.S: Baes are the missing part of you that fill that void of loneliness that is so deeply etched in the human existence.
But seriously, how do you find bae?