Where is my reply?

I’ve been hit with a lightning bolt of wisdom that far exceeds my years. Allow me to enlighten you as you awe at this statement. “Some friendships are like a love-hate relationship between a student and social media during finals week.” Not quite profound, is it? I apologize.

Social media: Why have you abandoned me so?

Student: My darling, my pet, I haven’t, how dare I though?

Social media: But you don’t interact with me anymore, my notifications and reminders, you ignore.

Student: I’m sorry you feel that way; I really do care, as studying is such a bore.

However, the only difference is the sorry rendered by the student is probably genuine, and the student actually replies messages, which leads to the matter at hand. And it is…drumroll please…” Why people don’t reply messages” as I don’t want you to delude yourself into thinking “she/he is playing hard to get.” Although the reasons I present seem trivial they are insurmountably significant (I kid, they are trivial).

Number 1, you type like you have no future in literacy, and are determined to propagate that substandard mindset to future generations. Woe betides you if you happen to commit offence number 2 (constantly catching feelings over social media) and one at the same time. You make hello kitty say bye-bye, for you are callous enough to a send message such as this:

Callous male: Hi ehngel, I receivd a vision 4rm Heaven nd d Lord revealed ur pics 2 me. U cn reach me @ urdreamzhusband4real@rocketmail.com. Pls I hope u r nt catfish.

Ermmaahhgerd ! What have I done to bring such nonsense upon my spirit? Imagine the audacity of this fellow, asking if I’m “catfish” at least he’s literate to know what that means, but his writing skills are negatively affecting my personality. I will oblige him nonetheless. This escapade should be fun.

Girl: Check my keek account, and you tell me whether I’m catfish or not.

Callous male: Bby, I knew d Lord wud nt disappoint me. U r d 1 4 me. My luv 4 u iz lyk a copied assignment, I cnt explain it. As my future wife, u need 2 knw d Lord, pls give me ur no 4 my prayer book so I cn help strengthen ur walk in d faith.

Bby, y u no reply me? Anyway I’ll continue. To cement our relationship, I tink u should send me sum pics of u 😉

Girl: Lord God Almighty, please direct this thirsty soul to the nearest Jamba Juice to quench his thirst that has been gravely misguided as he attempts to fill the emptiness from within his body. Let him utilize all the nutrients his drink has to offer to realize you’re the only one that can fill that void or better still, send down rain that would baptize him and revive his senses. Amen!

With that being said, if you truly believe you don’t do any of the above and you still receive no reply, there can only be one explanation – that is if you’ve met your “non-replier” in person and I am afraid it is dire. You see my friend; you’ve been infected with “accentivitis.” The socially terminal disease whose symptoms include but are not limited to

• Speaking as if you have hot boiled yam permanently stored in your mouth.
• Constantly being told it isn’t “Worra” but “Water.”

         My dear friend there is no need for the extra Rs you add to all your words.

• Thinking adding “innit” and “bruv” to every sentence makes you British.
• And last but not the least, constantly being laughed at when you speak.

        Please don’t think people are laughing at some story you told, they are laughing at you not with you.

But fear not, Doctor Emeritus Chichi is here with a solution to your problem, and it is STOP. IT. NOW.

However, if you’ve been absolved of the above and are patiently hoping for a reply, do not despair my friend for your “non-replier” is probably loathing in the abyss designed for such rude people.

I kid.

Such matters truly are trivial, aren’t they?

Giddy Times,

Chichi!