‘Would you be my…would you be my…my uhmmm whatever it is that makes me happy’ she said with her palm on her face. Hair thrown forward, she crawled up like a ball. Everything paused only because I felt it should, as I desperately tried to channel the emotions I should feel, but had no breath in my heart.
‘Are you happy now’ I asked. I couldn’t describe how I felt for her. About her.
‘I don’t know…I think I am. She paused. So if I’m not happy you’d respond differently? Or aren’t you happy? ‘I always bring myself into rubbish like this’, she replied this time with her eyes on mine. She blinked only twice. Yes, I counted. Her eyes pierced through mine only taking a stab at the words from my mouth that were far from my heart.
‘Nooo Kike, nooo I only asked you because, because…I…I….’
‘Oh shoot Femi, Its not a big deal, lets just forget I said that.’ her eyes now far away from mine, this was where I was to fight back. Tell her I feel the same. I want her to be my happy thing too. I couldn’t though. I chose to show no care hoping she would respond.
‘Don’t talk again then’ I replied, now on my phone scrolling through my contacts. I should text David, to remind him of our trip to Ihop at the airport the next morning.
Kike thought it outrageous that we drove 20 minutes to eat at the airport.
‘Who does that, why eat at the airport, if I didn’t know you, I’d think you have never flown before or something.’ She said this only a couple of days after we had gone on our first date. We talked about everything there was; sometimes talking about the future,though I felt uncomfortable we talked at my pace. That was all in the past and now we sat in silence. She still lay on the bed now with her legs straightened. I also lay in the opposite direction; I could see her feet crossed up in the sheets as I stared at them now lost in thought.
‘ You are such an asshole’ she said as she sat up laying her back on the wall.
Still silence engulfed the room as it gradually began to chew on the little fight I had left for her. I couldn’t explain what I thought. Not because I didn’t want her ears to listen to the very sounds flowing from my heart to my mind and out through my mouth. I just couldn’t. I wanted her to fight. That would make me fight back and then maybe the right words would come out, but she didn’t fight. My silence had become my weakness. I had to say something.
‘ How am I an asshole?? , I’m not about to have the classic couple argument about not being able to read your mind.’ I replied
‘I guess I shouldn’t have said what I said earlier on.’
‘ Ermmm….uhmm I don’t think you should regret it or whatever, you just didn’t let me talk’
‘I did…I’m sure I did Femi’ she only said my name when she got a little agitated. I could tell from her eyes. They sunk in, now looking dull. She didn’t see me nor did her eyes pierce through my words like they did before.
I was frustrated too.
‘ Ohhh goshhh Kike! You cut me off and did that thing where you go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds…. jumping to conclusions’
‘Nooo I didn’t please! Please!( she paused). I gave you time to say something. I gave you time’ now she seemed to be convincing herself.
‘ I just can’t argue with you anymore. I can’t!’ I replied now sitting up with my feet on the carpet. My feet barely touching the blue shirt on the floor. My room was a mess.
‘Okay. Whatever. You can talk now’ she said with her head down as she peeled off the piece of paper that lay on the bed.
‘ I want you to be my happy….my happy….my happy person too, but I don’t feeel that way now. I guess I would want you to be my happy person sometime soon. That’s the truth’ I looked at her eyes. She sat expressionless.
‘ I know this is all moist and emotional for you, but you don’t want me to be your happy person?’ She looked at my face and it brought some relief to the very bone that made me smile with ease whenever she laughed like a crazy person. Yes, I told her she laughed like a crazy person. Her face was, however, expressionless.
Now I desperately wanted her to be happy. To not think I was like every other guy. Yes a bit cliché, but we all wanted to prove to the next girl that we were not like John or Tom. Its all bullcrap, I had always thought to myself, but now I was doing the same thing.
‘ Noo I knew you’d misunderstand what I’m trying to say’
‘ Wait…wait, but that is what you said.’ she replied
‘ That is….that is what I said, but I said NOT RIGHT NOW’ I replied this time looking at the blue shirt. It used to be my favorite shirt till I got another from Topman. Now that shirt was hung up in my wardrobe.
‘ Okay’ she looked at me neither smiling nor nodding her head, signaling her understanding of how I felt.
‘Now I want to know how you feel about this’
‘No’ she replied.
Photo credit: Ama Ikomi