Tell all tutorial: How to be a Lagos boy

Tired of seeing Lagos boys and not being able to deal, this tutorial will change your “can’t deal” to I refuse to can’t, I now can with renewed vigor. No more feeling like white rice without stew when you can evolve into jollof

Introducing a tell all tutorial on how to be a Lagos boy, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back, which is awkward because you didn’t pay any money. This tutorial will make you stop feeling like you have half head, when your mates are chilling with their heads complete.

DON’T WANT TO READ THE POST? Watch me read it instead

Drop the name aka Name drop

You cannot be a Lagos boy if you don’t drop that name. Drop that name, drop it like it’s hot, drop it with a fervent fire, to illustrate,

Tope says, “The food is a bit salty”

And Kunle being the Lagos boy will say, “Oh you don’t like salt, Olamide’s manager, you know him right? Well he was swimming in my pool last year, and he was like the chlorine was a bit much, and chlorine is a part of salt.

It does not even have to make sense just relate the matter and end with “as you were saying, with a sly chuckle”

If you don’t know any celebrity or socialite personally, it’s okay. Just claim best friendship with one of their distant relatives. For example:

Tope says “I thought you were going for Davido’s concert yesterday, I was looking out for you throughout the show but I didn’t find you, what table did you sit at?”

Now your mind has turned to a jamboree trying to find any excuse to cover up your inability to afford a table because VIP section is not good enough.

Kunle says “I’m really cool with Davido’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s brother so he was like I should chill with them back stage, you know I like to stay low key so I just stayed there.

Not only is this lie hard to press for the truth, you also dropped that name

Though this is counterfeit behavior something like puff-puff with only one puff, you’ll soon join the ranks of the originals

If you got it flaunt it

Being a Lagos boy is not a joke, its serious stuff needing serious words like buoyant, gallant but most importantly oxymoron. But not just any oxymoron, the type that will make people say wawu, with your walk, your talk, all your fine boy, na so you daft reach? As a Lagos boy, you must post pictures of your new expensive acquisitions, but more importantly, the caption should display the oxymoron, for example you can caption a picture of your new range rover “My wealth is silent”. You know your Lagos boy-ness is working when you can tweet something like “ White rice is white” and generate retweets, favorites and a sizable amount of kfbs

But if you’re not the social media type be creative and mention your worth at any opportunity, to illustrate, a girl walks up to you and starts to flirt, she says, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Your response can be something like this “I’m glad you asked. I’m working you know, what’s your number? Let me take you to dinner”

Bring out your phone, an iPhone 5 is allowed, but if you have the 6, you must have a clear case one as flawless as your name-dropping skills

Then proceed to dangle your car keys, let them know that you have arrived, but if you don’t have a car, you can manage and bring house keys. Na condition way make crayfish bend. Key is key.

Lying game on fleek

How can you be a Lagos boy and not know how to lie? Please shift. This is pretty self-explanatory; if someone asks you are you married, and you’re married you can say “Part-time”. Or if you live in Surulere and someone asks for your address just say, “I live in Banana Island but armed robbers stole my plot of land, so now I’m chilling in Surulere till I can get it back”

As a Lagos boy, whatever you say will always be taken with a pinch of salt, you might as well go all out.


Face Accessories

As a Lagos boy you can’t afford to just do it with a Nike Face Cap, step it up with Ralph Lauren or Ferrari, let people know that you are moving on to greater heights. Your attitude determines your altitude. If that doesn’t cut it, upgrade yourself; protect yourself for the glare of disgrace with some sunglasses. Cover yourself with a bearded shield and attack your enemies with an accent of affluence, British accents are preferred. That doesn’t mean that you should buy an accent from Alaba international market, where the user guide is unavailable

You are now set to be a man among the Lagos boys

In your opinion, what is a Lagos boy? Any points I missed?


5 responses to Tell all tutorial: How to be a Lagos boy

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