What keeps you up at night?:

Social media Love or insecurities?

“The writing on the wall says it all, yet I can’t stop going back to where I fall.”

 

Location: Nkiru’s head

I see you. The water pours as I wash my face one too many times to get you out of my mind, but here I am again, asking if I keep you up at night?

 

“I would dream all night if I could talk to you because it just won’t seem right for me to not know you.”

Dear sleeping aid,

How are you tonight, as sleep has blatantly refused to arrest me? It has been weeks since we last spoke, probably because I didn’t need your help arriving at the land of dreams.

It’s funny; I used to dream about him all the time. He was, probably still is my dream, but now I’m left with hopeful fantasies of a nonexistent reality. So here we meet again as sleep desperately tries to evade me. I wonder, were you getting used to the break in our discussions?

It’s story time…

Is chivalry dead? That’s the topic at hand.

I ask because I want to know if his numerous compliments were just ways of sharing kindness, brightening up my day as I find his attention captivating. Were his texts asking if I got home okay just a means of showcasing how thoughtful he is? And were his timely replies just a way to say he cares? If I thought they were just that, I probably wouldn’t have fallen for him, since they were what they were, just that, chivalry. But, am I wrong for thinking there was more?

Maybe if he didn’t ask for my number, he wouldn’t be on my “interest” list. Maybe then I wouldn’t wake up to messages from him, the kind that make me smile because my name was on his mind before his was on mine. Is this still chivalry? Educate me.

Though he didn’t say he was interested in me, I can’t help but think that our talks spanning over days with basically no breaks symbolize more. Could I be wrong even when he asked me on a date? Tell me is chivalry dead or is he its incarnate because I can find no other explanation as to why he’s been avoiding me? Was he just looking for a friend, but now that he’s made me want more, our “relationship” has to end? Just because I said “I like you”, he avoids me when all I expected to hear was “I like you too.” Ah these streets are hard for a baby girl in love.

Oh sleeping aid, a girl can dream can’t she? I mean, he made me feel like a queen, and he my king, please don’t say he was just being nice, being a gentleman. In my mind it was more than that, more like love, at least “like” to the very end.

How did I tell him and why? I’ll tell you as I try not to cry.

He used to tell me everything, his joys and fears, his plans for his career, his successes, and his failures. With each word he uttered, I was hooked, his voice, his mannerisms, the context of his conversations all came together in a mixture akin to honey, nah honey is too mainstream more like suya. I’m sure he knew I fell for him, even before I told him. Guys have a way of knowing these things, but that’s beside the point.

Was I wrong for telling him, even when I was sure that he knew? I figured that even if he didn’t feel the same way (I’m 99% sure he did), if I could reinforce it in his mind that he’s meant to be mine, maybe I could change that 1% of doubt to 0%. So I told him, and he said

 

“We’re friends, I wouldn’t want to change that.”

 

Bruh, I thought I was about to drink that tall glass of handsome and be quenched, but he had to say that, like what a wow.

 

My mind was racing, how could I change his mind? Though it was probably made up for a long time. Seduction, persistence and more, I tried it all. However, the battle line was drawn when he told me about her. Her, that beautiful, funny, smart girl he met a few days ago. Her, she was everything he ever wanted and more. Why did he tell me when he knew it would hurt? I guess he wanted to reinforce that he definitely doesn’t want more, but could we still be friends, considering I do?

“It’s so loud inside my head with words that ring through, who am I without you?”

“Who are you?”

Nkiru repeated the question as she stared in the mirror, trying so eagerly to find worth in her reflection. Her face left distorted from the tears she cried for the “love” that once was. His unexpected exit acted as a catalyst for her previously buried insecurities.

The voices in her head refuse to seize, they rise to the occasion leaving imprints on her heart, taunting her, analyzing and filling her with a mixture of emotions. None good. They form the basis of her over-analysis, a feeble attempt to justify his actions. They tell her, he’s found someone better, someone prettier, someone wittier, someone smarter, just someone that isn’t her and it hurts. It hurts more than he can imagine.

She cracks a smile at how girls make exaggerated lists of what they look for in a partner, saying he has to be this and that, but let’s put things in perspective. Do the said girls have the attributes that their dream guys require? Had she fallen short in his eyes? Pardon her insecurities; they are a side effect of her feelings.

She stares in the mirror to grab on to a sliver of hope that she is indeed pretty, at least as good as the rest, but her expectations fall short. Why wasn’t she good enough? In her mind, it wouldn’t be hard for him to find another; his standards must have been pretty low for him to have “fallen” for her. She asks again “Who am I?” is she really a rag doll used to play and thrown away the next day. She stares in the mirror and asks herself again, but she can’t confidently say Raggedy Ann isn’t her name. He highlighted the ache in heartbreak and taught her how to question herself. Although she doubts that these were his intentions, she is now caught running to him in a desperate bid to reconcile her feelings. So is she wrong? She wants to know if she embodies his love and insecurities as he does hers. So she shoots him a text “Here I am again, asking what keeps you up at night? Love or insecurities because this can’t be right.”

 

“Love is blind, I wish I could press rewind.”

 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The sleeping aid listened. Unable to share his thoughts, he sits in silence; pondering the situation. Though this is a sensitive area, should she have said how she felt? On one hand  “ If she falls first, he wouldn’t be there to catch her and she’ll fall and break her head, but more importantly her heart”, but on the other hand there is “If you want something, go get it”, because men get hurt too. Heartbreak is not a burden for one gender to bear. He wondered why she still wanted to be the said gentleman’s friend? Was she hoping to eventually change his mind? Or was she genuinely interested in building a friendship, no strings attached? Is it right to blame someone for not falling for you? He understands that the heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes it’s wise to know when it’s time to let go even if it breaks your heart to do so. In time, she will learn, “When you’re the only consistent thing in your life, you had better love yourself.”

 

Giddy Times,

Chichi!